Puppy hater

An apparently emotionally retarded and brain dead Yahoo writer recently wrote a strongly worded anti-puppy article, clearly meant for no other reason than to stir comments and views.  Oooo.  You win.  Ya got what you wanted.  Now you can feel good about yourself because you earned a brownie point rather than exercise and display real journalism skills.  Below is the 10-point hate list, copied/pasted exactly.

1.  You’ll no longer sleep though the night. You’ll be up just as often as you were with a newborn and a puppy isn’t nearly as    good of an excuse for dark circles as a new baby is.

2.  Scrubbing pee and shit out of the carpet becomes part of the daily routine. It turns out dog poop is even worse than baby poop.

3. There’s another mouth to feed every night. And you can’t just whip out a boob.

4.  And another body to clean up after. Hello, muddy paws. At least newborns keep their mess contained to their diapers. 5.  The doctor bills are insane. Why is it that I’m at the vet’s so much more than I was ever at the pediatrician’s?

6.  Nobody offers to watch the “baby” or brings you dinner like they did when you had a new baby.

7.  Shoes become chew toys. Not one of my kids ever destroyed my favorite pair of heels. Ever.

8.  The crying. Sure, baby cries are sad. But dog cries? ARE THE MOST ANNOYING THING ON EARTH.

9.  There’s no such thing as puppy maternity leave.

10.  The dog won’t take care of you when you’re old. And, even worse, you’ll have to take care of it.

Okay, dingbat.  Allow me to reply.

1.  First of all, you couldn’t be bothered to catch the error.  It’s “through” the night, not “though” the night.  You forgot the “r”, and didn’t proofread very well.  Second, I’ve never had an issue sleeping through the night with a new puppy.  It’s what they do.  Sleep.  A lot.  Especially when they’re bored because no one’s playing with them.

2.  You really felt the article needed the word “shit”?  Does it prove you’re a grown up?  Well, right-O, you win again!  Now, on to your point.  I never had to worry about scrubbing the carpet when I had new puppies, because I watched them carefully and at the first sign, outside they went.  When I was gone, or at night, out came the newspapers on a tile floor.  No scrubbing, no problems.

3.  There’s another mouth to feed every night.  Because it certainly is expensive when I find I have to cook enough for the puppy to eat.  Lucky pup gets steak and pasta and bacon and eggs…whatever I’m having.  Yeah, right.  The cost of a bag of dog food to feed one puppy for a month costs less than what it takes to feed myself for an entire week.  Also, no cooking.  Pour into a bowl and done.  Very inconvenient, isn’t it?  Not!

4.  Another body to clean up after.  Puppies track in mud.  So do people.  What’s the difference if you’re walking in the house with muddy shoes and your puppy walking in the house with muddy paws?  You’d be cleaning up after yourself anyway, so there’s no real wasted effort cleaning up after your puppy.  Moot point.

5.  The doctor bills are insane.  They are?  Let’s compare here (prices Googled.)  Average cost of:

Puppy

People

Getting fixed: $50 – $200

Getting fixed: $2,000 – $12,000

Shots: $100-$300, first year

Shots: Free – $700, first year

Wellness checkup: $40 – $150 per visit 1x/year

Wellness checkup: $95 per visit 7x/first year

6.  Nobody offers to watch your puppy or bring you dinner. Au contraire, mon frère.  People did offer to watch my puppy.  Why?  Puppies are cute and puppy breath is adorable.  I didn’t want people to bring me dinner, namely because I’m a better cook than most people I know.  Not bringing me dinner doesn’t make me want to mention it in a Yahoo article as if I were a spoiled child.

7.  Shoes become chew toys.  Not my shoes.  My books became chew toys.  One really good correction on that score and I never had trouble with it again.

8.  The crying.  I beg to differ.  Puppy cries, you cuddle it, it stops.  Baby cries, you cuddle it, it doesn’t stop.  You’re out in public and someone’s baby cries and doesn’t stop.  Especially when you’re at the movies or trying to relax over a meal in a restaurant, I’d call a crying baby the most annoying sound ever at that particular moment.  Last, nice punctuation, dork.  That’s sarcasm, by the way.

9.  There’s no such thing as puppy maternity leave.  You didn’t give birth to the puppy and neither did your partner (if you have one).

10. The dog won’t take care of you when you’re old.  Take care of yourself, you lazy bum.  Additionally, there’s no guarantee your own kids, let alone anyone else, will take care of you.

So stop whining, already!  You don’t want your dog, get rid of it and stop pitching a b***h.

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