Funny Things Overheard by Me (or stuff I said without thinking)

1.  Hurrying to get to a subway & passing a druggie punker chick who wouldn’t look you in the eye but would talk as you passed her by:

Her:  “Spare a quarter?  Beep.  Send an alien home?  Beep.”

2.  ER nurse friend telling a story about work one day.  She was working triage & some guy comes in.

Guy:  “Did you call me yet?”

Friend:  “What’s your name?”

Guy:  (whatever his name was)

Friend:  (looking on the list) “No.  Go sit down.”

A few minutes later…

Guy:  “Did you call me yet?”

Friend:  “No, go sit back down.”

A few minutes later…

Guy:  “Did you call me yet?”

Friend:  “No!  Go sit down.”

A few minutes later…

Guy:  “Did you call me yet?”

Friend:  “No!  Now go sit back down!”

My friend get curious at that point and looks at his admission paperwork to see what the man’s chief complaint was…

…he’d written “hearing voices”

3.  I was working a busy Sunday breakfast in a diner.  Two young, good looking couples in their early 20’s at the same table.  Rushing around, I bring out their food and start setting it down.

One Guy:  “My, what big bagels you have!”

Me:  (standing up straight & throwing my shoulders back, sticking my chest out, then smiling & saying the first smart-ass thing I can think of)  “Thank you!”

4.  Eating at dinner one night with my roommate and his 3 daughters.

Me:  “Mmmm.  I love broccoli.”

5 year old:  “You do?”

Me:   “Yep.  I’m gonna marry broccoli.”

5 year old:  “Ewwwww!  Now you gotta kiss it!”

6.  Standing in line at a bank.

little girl:  (tugging on her mother’s clothes) “Mommy, mommy I’ve got a secret.”

Mommy:  “Not now.”

little girl:  (a few seconds later, tugging again) “Mommy, mommy!  I’ve got a secret.”

Mommy:  “I said no, not right now.”

little girl:  (a few seconds later still, tugging again) “But Mommy, mommy.  I’ve got a secret!”

Mommy:  (exasperated)  “What!  What is your secret?”

little girl:  “I saw you kissing daddy’s penis last night.”

Mommy grabbed the little girl’s hand and walked out the door of the bank.

7.  (At a friend’s house, she’s sitting on her own kitchen counter as we talk.)  “Is it wrong to fart on my own counter?”

8.  (Same friend, same weekend.)  “That makes me moistesez!”

9.  (With regard to a news article about the identical twin of the recently deceased Polish president.  The surviving twin announced his intentions to run for his deceased brother’s now empty office.  There is a comment made by some moron, agreed with by several other morons, about how it is the [paraphrasing here] evil influence of Obama, even going to far as to suggest that Obama paid to have the plane tampered with so those people would crash and die.  Yeah.  Tell me about it.  What in the world is wrong with people today–and on top of that, what in the world is wrong with the people who so blindly agree with people like this?    Anyway, there was a misquote this moron made, and used out of context to boot, that made me laugh and so I wanted to share.)

“Et you, Brutus?”

(For your reading pleasure and entertainment, I am copying/pasting the entire commentary from this person here.  HEALTH WARNING AND DISCLAIMER:  I am not responsible for any injury that you may incur after banging your head against the wall, banging your hand against your head, or any other physical reaction you may have as a result of the commenter’s utter stupidity. )

Beth [13 people agreed with this person!]

Sounds like Obama has infilterated Poland with a liberal, Komorosk running for office.. Et you Brutus? Maybe Obama paid to have the plane tampered with to help Komoroski? You know, the one world order with Obama leading as chief of staff. I can see all his subjects now dying as he slowly cuts their circulation by his brilliant ideas being passed into law. He will have his favorites in his palace along with Red Label beer. Reid and Pelosi will rarely be there has he will be done using them and neither will Sharpton and Jesse.  His mother in law, Mrs. Robertson will convince him that voo doo is necessary and it will be like a James Bond movie. Surely all of you are aware of the voo doo practice that went on in the White House last year. Oh Interpool, CIA where are you?

10.  (Another comment from someone on a completely separate news story.)  “thanks for the freedon of speach”

11.  (Another comment, another news story.)  “… I applaud this, soon to be demised young man.”

12.  (From my mother.)  “Every time I go out on the porch, the hummingbird chases me.  Like I give a shit about its kid.”

13.  (At work.)  Two guys are in measuring everything, no idea for what.  One of the instructors passes bald measuring guy in the hallway & says, “Interesting tool you have in your hand.”

14. (From my mother.)  “I was playing Bingo with 15 people in the room and Bingo’d three times in a row.  I’m sure that went over like a fart in a spacesuit.”

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