Deaths of the Famous – 2009

~~Short list.  Through mid July~~

**DISCLAIMER**

I’m warning you ahead of time, my commentary is dark humor and will be considered offensive, mean, and/or disrespectful to the deceased by some.  If you don’t like that, get out nowI’m not kidding.

It’s not that I wasn’t a fan and/or don’t respect the dead.  This is simply one of the ways I cope with and deal with death.  You don’t have to like it, so if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.  Last warning…

**DISCLAIMER**

  • Robert McNamara – former U.S. Defense Secretary under J.F. Kennedy & L.B. Johnson.
    • The man served during a strange time in history.  How appropriate his middle name was “Strange”.
  • Steve McNair – Tennessee Titans quarterback.
    • Sorry, not sports fan.  Who?  *Oh look over there, shiny…*
  • Karl Maldon – Actor.
    • One of his former shticks was being the spokesman for American Express in the 1980’s.  It appears he’s left home without it.
  • Billy Mays – Infomercial cleaning products king.
    • KaBoom!
  • Michael Jackson – World famous singer.
    • It’s close to midnight, a 12 year old boy knows something evil’s lurking in the dark.  Under the moonlight, the boy sees a sight that almost stops his heart.  He tries to scream but terror takes the sound before he makes it.  He starts to freeze as horror looks him right between the eyes.  He’s paralyzed.  ‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night.  And no one’s gonna save him from the beast about strike.  He’s bad, he’s bad, you know it.
  • Farrah Fawcett – Actress.
    • Trashy generation-x men everywhere are digging out their posters of Farrah they’ve had stuffed away in the garage all these years and are crying in their beers while re-wanking over her image.
  • Ed McMahon – Actor.
    • Hey Johnny!  Heeeeeeeeeerrrre’s Ed!
  • David Carradine – Actor.
    • Dude.  You had some modicum of the public’s respect and go and blow it by accidentally killing yourself with strangulation wanking.  Probably wasn’t even worth it, was it, Grasshopper?
  • Millvina Dean – Youngest passenger aboard the ill-fated Titanic, died at 97.
    • Rest in peace, Ma’am.
  • Mickey Carroll – Actor.  The Munchkins’ town crier in The Wizard of Oz.
    • Followed the yellow brick road, is now somewhere over the rainbow, and has settled permanently in Munchkinland.
  • Dominic DiMaggio – Boston Red Sox center fielder.
    • So much in the shadow of his brother Joe that I didn’t even know he existed until I read he had died.  Sux to be you.
  • Dom De Luise – Actor.
    • No Dom, YOU wash THIS.  (Go watch History of the World Part I if you don’t get that.)
  • Jack Kemp – Politician and former pro football player.
    • So this guy runs on the Republican ticket for vice-president of the U.S. under Bob Dole in 1996 against Clinton/Gore and loses.  I had no idea he played professional football for 13 years, was an American Football League most valuable player, and appeared in seven all-star games.  Apparently he was more successful in sports than he was in politics.
  • Danny Gans – Entertainer.
    • Apparently this guy was a big hoo-hah entertainer in Las Vegas for years.  One of the city’s major headliners.  Mom used to talk about him all the time.  So what?  Big whoop.  Famous in Vegas is still just famous only in Vegas.
  • Marilyn Chambers – Porn film star actress.
    • How proud her family must be, knowing that their daughter/sister/etc. will go down in history as the female star of the porn cult classic Behind the Green Door. The film sucked. Oh wait, sorry, that was Deep Throat.  Sorry Marilyn, you’re screwed.
  • Natasha Richardson – Actress.
    • One little monkey jumpin’ on the bed.  She fell off and bonked her head.  Now no more monkeys jumpin’ on the bed.
  • Horton Foote – Playwright and screenwriter.  Receive the Oscar for To Kill A Mockingbird.
    • Looks like that mockingbird got pissed and exacted revenge.  Who?  Horton.  Or so I heard.
  • Paul Harvey – Syndicate commentator.
    • The rest of the story?  He’s dead.
  • Ricardo Montalban – Actor.
    • I guess the Island’s not such a fantasy anymore, now, is it Mr. Roarke?
  • Pat Hingle – Actor.  Played Commissioner Gordon in the Batman tv series in the 60’s.
    • Holy myelodysplasia, Batman, Commissioner G’s daughter, Batgirl, was kinda hot.
  • John Fautenberry – Serial killer.  Recently executed in Ohio.  One victim pled for his life before Fautenberry shot him and threw the poor man’s body away into a wooded area near the Ohio River.
    • Fautenberry also pled for his own life, requesting delay of execution, claiming he had brain damage.  Who give a flying you-know-what?  His attorney was concerned about the lengthy shunting process (shunts inserted into right arm during lethal injection) because there were problems and blood pooled on the bandages.  Hmm.  I bet his victims had a lengthy, painful dying process themselves; to include what must be the horrible knowledge of knowing you’re about to die and will never see your loved ones ever again, the terrifying uncertainty of wondering if your death will be painful and long, but with the added tortuous thought of whether or not they will able to find your body so your loved ones can have closure.  I bet blood pooled on the ground with them.  Boo hoo, Fautenberry.  Poor you and your alleged “brain damage”.  Burn in hell, you bast—
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3 Responses to “Deaths of the Famous – 2009”

  1. it’s sad to think that every year from now on will see more and more famous dead people

    • Yes, Davis, I agree. It wasn’t sad before this year, though. Up until now, it was a cause for rejoicing. My, how the times have changed! I guess we all grow up, huh?

  2. There are some great new paintings of Michael about to be released by Upper Deck in their next set of baseball cards:

    http://fullbodytransplant.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/upper-deck-announces-michael-jackson-tribute-cards/

    The caricatures are loud and freaky intense. I imagine that they capture the self-image that he had while he was with us. I can’t wait to collect them all.

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